Surprises of life.

Assalamu'alaikum.

Last 21st December 2013, my friend's mum's passed away. It was cause of stroke. I was very close to her as I called her 'Mama.' According to what my friend said, Mama was talking happily, making jokes and laughing with them when she suddenly collapse while trying to answer a phone call.

After a brain scan done by my friend's aunt's, it seems that Mama had an internal bleeding in her brain. It was worst. After 3 days in coma, Mama went to meet her Creator, the One and Only, Allah. I was in shocked. As far as I know Mama, she rarely get sick. And all of a sudden, she passed away already.

When I know bout' the news, I was getting ready to get back home from IIUM to my hometown. Since my friend and I were in the same hometown, I was eager to get back home. I drove fast. Like, real fast. Even to the point, dad asked to changed driver from me to my baby sis.

Mama's death taught me. The same way as my uncle's death do. Life is full of surprise. And you just can't expect what awaits us the next minute. Or perhaps, second. Maybe millisecond. Who knows. Only Allah know that.

My friend and Mama were very close. They used to joke around, help each other in the kitchen, went out together for food hunting at 2:00 am and lots. They almost do everything together. Well, my mum and I was the opposite of that. I mean, I did help my mum in the kitchen, we make jokes and laugh. But our communication was not deep enough as my friend and Mama.

Through Mama's death, I learned how precious it is the relationship between family. I make a promise to myself. 

• I want to make my mum happy. 
• I want to see her laugh at my jokes. 
• I want to massage her legs whenever she was having a cramp or too tired too walk. 
• I want to sit with my mum in our yard and look at my mum's orchid. 
• I want to do mostly everything with her. 
• I want to improve my lack of communication with my mum.

And if ever something happened to my mum, or my dad, or whomever it is in my family, I will feel no regret. As I know, they know how much I love them. 

Or perhaps, if something ever happened to me, they will also know how much I love them. And in memory of that, they will continue living a happy life.

Be loved.

Learned how to loved.

Give loves to the loved one.

For the next minutes--

There are always surprises awaits us.

Regret

For the first time.

My hand was shaking so much--

That my handwriting became all shaky.

Become ugly.

That it became hard for me to keep writing .

It was not because I am mad about something.

Rather, it was because I am broken hearted.

For the first time again.

I failed myself.

Among all the wasteful, rubbish, evil things I did.

I would never be broken hearted like this.

This was the bottom of it.

I always said to myself

"I would never regret anything I did--

Because what I've did, molded me into what I am right now."

And now.

I totally regret my action.

CAM

Assalamu'alaikum..

Today, in Calculus class. Prof revealed our continuous assessment mark (CAM).

It is in total of 60. Add up with with exam, 40. Make a whole of 100.

Sir called my name.

My steps felt heavier when walking towards him.

Heavier than when I was jogging and having a short breath.

Still, I gathered up my courage and step toward his table.

'I don't think you can do this, Shidah.'

I take a quick look at my mark while Prof was uttering that word.

My heart sank. Prof's words become an echo in my ears.

As if I can't hear anything. I don't want to hear anything.

But still, thank you Prof for keeping my mark as a secret and do not announce it publicly.

Thank you for taking care of my pride.

Prof had made me a promise, in which I have to kick my ass to fulfill them.

If I am able to fulfill his condition, I will pass Calculus.

Please don't think anything dirty, haha.

Prof is like a father to me.

Walking back to my chair, I was afraid and shamed.

Knowing that my friends will ask me how much my mark is.

As I predicted, they asked. But I keep my mouth tight.

To speechless to say, to nonsense to think, I start laughing.

And breathing a long sigh.

Both of my friends, in my right and left.

Hold my hands and laugh with me.

Their hand felt so warm that it warmth my cold hands.

As itwarmth my cold heart too.

Their words of encouragement made me believe that I can do it.

It is through their warm touch--

their friendly and loving gaze--

their word of encouragement--

I have found my strength again.

Thank you for holding tight to me.

I am glad Prof told you to sit in the front row.

And I am grateful that both of you--

Chose to sit in my left and right.

Thank you

Quick nap

Assalamu'alaikum..

I am exhausted. Utterly exhausted.

I have so many, so much things to be done in my head.
I can literally and practically list them out.

But still.

Despite of me having so many work to be settled, I haven't done anything yet.

It's just.

So much thing to do, and you decide that you should take a quick nap.

And it turns out that nap has become a long and deep sleep.

Except for the fact I am not sleeping.

I just do other things to keep me distracted from my work.

Such as.

Blogging.

Okay bye, haha.