the secrets

Talking about secrets, it's supposed to be well kept from other people. It should never be shared. When I said never, it means, never, ever, and ever. But hey, let's be honest here, some people just can't keep secret. They feel the need, the urge to tell it to someone. 

Why? Heck, I don't know.

Even I felt that sometimes, haha.

So yeah, when you planned to spill out the secret, choose the person well. Make sure the person is able to keep your secret, the person should make you feel safe after all the secrets was spilled.

That, is my part. 

The person, though I don't know why, seems to be ME.

Like, seriously. People been telling me their secrets from I was in high school. I had no idea why, haha. God knows how much dark secrets that is dwell within me. 

To be honest, there are time, I think that as a burden. I mean, why do people come to me, like all the time? Don't they have other friend they can spill that secret to? I too, sometimes felt burden by all the secrets and stories I have to keep. It keeps getting heavy, time by time.

But then, I reflect back on myself.

I suddenly remember my life goal--

"To make a change to people's life, even by smiling."

Well, by being their safe box, I am changing them. By listening to the secrets and the stories, I am able to give my advice, guide them to the right path, help them when in need and be a shoulder for them to cry on.

I could help make a change in someone's life, just by listening to them.

A friend of mine, once after she finished spilling her secrets out to me, she said--

"Babe, I don't know why, but it just felt good to share with you my secrets and problems. I didn't do this to other people, just you. Maybe it is the fact that you had once being bad, then repent to the path of Islam and Allah, that make you understand people better. You don't judge people by their stories as you, yourselves had live through them."

Those words, are the main reason why I keep reflecting on myself from time to time, when I am tired of all the bulls people keep telling me.

Anyway, got a problem? Got any secrets to share?

I am here. 

I might be a bit late, but I am always here.

bye 2015

31/12/2015

The last day in year 2015.
365 days has it been.

Has it been a good year? Or rather a bad year?
I'd say it has been both.

From the struggle of my FYP in IIUM,
Enrolling into WSTP short course for only 5 days, hahaha,
Admitted to ward and was operated at the private hospital,
Little family trip to Penang, Langkawi and Perak,
Had the chance to do parasailing at Penang. Gotta say, it was a total adrenaline rush,
My best friend, Sawie getting married,
And finally intern at IPDA.

That was the good part of the year and a bit bad part. There was definitely a lot of up and down in this year.
But, lets remember 2015 as a good year.

2016 New Year motivation thingy?
Yeap.

To be better than now.
To get a job and be able to treat family a nice meal and able to give money to mom and dad.
To be slim!!! hahahaha
To have my own business.

Marriage is definitely not in the plan right now, haha. But yeah, we'll leave that to that.

Hopefully, 2016 gonna offers us more smile.

p/s : spending the last day of 2015 all alone in office is a bit sad, but come on shidah, you can nail this. after all, life is about being alone,

hmmmm....

Hmmm, dear blog. 

What more should I wrote?
 What more do I have to say?
Life have been pretty good.

Few days back then, I learned how to make bulgogi, Korean style of bbq beef.
Just yesterday, I made kimbap, Korean style of roll rice. Another version of sushi.

There were few downs of course. 
I was upset with mom when she scold me for not folding my clothes. My fault anyway.
My dad was ordering me around, making me more upset with that. 
I hate to be ordered around.

Things at the office were chaotic and busy. I didn't have any time to write new posts, read Izzati's blog. There were only enough time for me to eat lunch. 

Adik went back home for Deepavali and is flying back to Shah Alam around noon, today. She loved the kimbap I made, which of course, made me happy.

Cooking is about seeing the person you love, eat heartily.

the job offer

Dear blog,

last night, mom called the little sister. Well, not so little, haha. Adik broke the news. A company had offered her a job, sort of accounting job. The company, I'm not sure the name, but it is some sort of among a huge companies in Malaysia. 

This is her second time being offered by the same company. When they first offered her, adik refused. Cause she is in the middle of her study. She actually applied to do a part time, so when they offered her a full time job, she refused. The same company then, called her again. Asking her to reconsider. They are offering her a full time job, asked her to made her study as a part time and at the same time, they will give her scholarship for her study.

The offer was tempting. Adik was tempted. But she is also strong. She asked for time to think about it. Plus, she got exam coming. Salute that.

I was so happy. And I still am. But at the same time, I felt like a loser. I was sad. I was jealous. I felt so down. I felt that if someone buried me, I could stay deeper in the ground. 

Mind the fact that adik is 2 years younger, and she is now 23 years old. She had her diploma, her degree and is currently pursuing her professional in accounting. While doing that, she already got a job offer. All that in 23 years old.

I am 25 years old. I held my diploma certificate at 21 years old. 4 years passed, and I am still in my degree, doing my last semester as an intern. Still begging for mom and dad for pocket money. I have tons of debts already, well, my study loan. And I haven't been offered a job. I felt like I am the biggest loser of all.

Mom and dad's face last night when the news broke didn't help. Mom and dad's face glow, shining. And they smiling so hard, I can see their happiness in their eyes. 

And I can't help but wondering, have I ever made their face smile and glow like that? Will I be able to do so? 

I told this to 2 of my friends. As expected
- don't be sad
- you are not a loser
- your time will come, soon
- don't worry

I have expected this, haha. After all, I always said that to myself. So yeah, it's predictable, haha. 

Like my friend said 'Ini rezeki dia, rezeki akak ada je nanti. Cuma mungkin, bukan sekarang.'
To which I replied back "Hmm, aku dapat makan benda free, rezeki jugak kan? Hahaha"

Rezeki sentiasa ada, kita kena pandai melihat. 
Aku tahu--
Aku boleh nampak rezeki aku.
Cuma perasaan nih--
Masih ada.

Nanti sehari dua--
Baik lah tuh. 

Kena cari balik semangat aku.

Ini masa, masa adik--
Nanti--
Datang laa masa aku.

Ipoh trip

Dear blog,

today, I am left all alone at home for 2days and 1 night. 
Why you asked me? 

Mom and dad went on a trip to Ipoh with their elderly club. The transportation they are using is the new bullet train or so called the ETS. From Anak Bukit Station to Ipoh, they went.

And today, phone keeps buzzing due to incoming WhatsApp texts, haha. Mom and dad been posting pictures of them at the places they went, haha. I gotta tell ya', mommy and daddy look so cute and happy, just like newlyweds! Hahaha

Mom and dad in the ETS looking happy

I am so happy looking at mom and dad, travelling around with their friends. Making happy moments together, just the two of them. Without us, bugging around them, haha. 

I mean, they sacrificed a lot by raising the 4 of us up. All of their time, was spent on family. Not that I'm saying that is not a good thing, but seeing mom and dad together, just made my day. They look like they are in love, again and again and again.

Daddy and Mommy again, in front of the Kellie's Castle

I hope my future partner and I will be the same as mom and dad.
- doing great jobs raising the kids
- grow old together
- work hard to have enough money. Or perhaps, a lot of it, haha
- retired from our job at the same time 
- travelling just the two of us, leaving our kids, doing their things
- be forever in love  

the birthday gift

Casio gold with chronograph

Dear blog, 

last 19/10 was my birthday. It was simple, but it was perfect. Everything was the way I wanted it to be and I wouldn't changed it for anything. We had a simple dinner outside. Not a fancy one, but the dinner was only at a mamak stall. We ate nan cheese and tandoori chicken. It is so good.

But nahhh, that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about my birthday present.

I could definitely say, the gift I had this year was the best ever, yet. Hahaha. So what did I get? I got myself a watch *smiling from ear to ear*

A day before my birthday, the parents and I were eating some fritters when daddy asked what do I want for my birthday. I gotta tell ya' and I ain't no lie, when I said, I gotta think hard and long, haha. Seriously. After a long and hard thinking, I told my dad
"Daddy, there's nothing I want. I have everything I wanted."
Immediately, daddy replied me.
"Well, you don't have a watch. You want a watch?"
I snapped my finger and said "Oh yeah dad! I really didn't have a watch. I forgot I don't have a watch, haha."

So the deal is sealed. Last Thursday I went to the mall to check it out. And I found it. On Friday, I got the dream watch of my life. 

This is the best present ever--
because it was from my dad
because it came from his observation of me, when I didn't even know it.

Thank you daddy.
For watching me this much. 
I love you, daddy.
So much.

birthday

Dear blog, 

so last couple of days was my birthday. *19/10/2015*
And I am so happy.
Dad wanted to buy me a new watch, still, I haven't got the time to walk around the mall looking for the perfect watch for my beautiful hand, kekeke.

Being 25 years old, I suddenly realized I have lived for quite a long time. I am old. Haha
Was my life good enough? Have I done something to contribute to the society? What are the things I want to achieve in my life? 

Those are the question that I found hard to answer. I've been struggling all my life to find the answer. At 25 years old, have I found the answer yet?

The answer is NO.
I am still on my journey in finding the answer. Truth be told, I don't know if I ever get my answer.

But still, I am trying to change the world. Or atleast, I am trying to change people life, by making it better.

How did I do that you ask me? *smile*

To bring a change to someone life, you must first, change yourself. Educate yourself to be better, behave in a proper manner, smile often to stranger, pick up any trash you see laying down on the ground and put 'em back to where they belong, the dustbin of course.

See, these little small things, might not bring a change to other people's life. But, I mean, we never know aren't we? 

Sometime, its the little things that give big impact. So, do goo to other people.

And lastly, 
Happy 25th Birthday to me, Shahidah Mokhtar. 
You have lived a wonderful life, of course, there have been ups and down, but you faced it bravely, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. In future, I hope you continue to be brave, be able to smile and laugh a lot, obey the religion, obey your parents, read al-Quran everyday and do more positive things that can give out positive vibes to other people.

the post.

Dear blog,

last few days, I shared a post on my FB wall that cause a bit of a ruckus. Well, at least, to me.

There were some comments in support of what I thought, and I truly appreciate 'em. 
And then, there were those who weren't. 

To which I replied in my best manner and carefully written explanation, what I was talking about and what are the intention of posting that post. That is all. To my shocking, the commentor reply with a harsh and hurtful words. 

Yes, it was a shock. It hurt, so bad. Especially when it came from someone I know.

But, being a positive me, I stay calmed. I deleted all the negative comments. It's embarassing actually, seeing someone in that age wrote something so emotional like that. Even my friends been asking, who the heck is that? Yeah, in a way, she humiliates herself and I did her a favor by deleting her comments.

The most important thing to do, was to reflect on yourself, what did I do that had offended those people? Find the cause of it. And in my case, I can said that I pretty much figured out what are the reasons. My thought was perhaps the caption I wrote was a bit harsh. So, few days ago, I texted my friends, telling her that her caption on her picture with her husband was not appropriate. Perhaps, this is God way to teach me a lesson. So I know what are my mistakes, and I can improved on 'em. And maybe perhaps, it is also God way to not be so cocky when it comes to advising people, hehe. -.-"

In life, there are few kinds of people--
One who like you--
One who don't like you--
One who are sometimes, they like you. Sometimes, they don't.

But then again, why should I care?

I hated a person without a reason. 
And I still hate her. 
True story.

So the same thing happened to me. People get offended by what I wrote, by what I post. And why in the hell, should I care? It won't do me any good. Of course, I am hurt but will I be like that forever? Hell nah. 

I gotta reflect myself, find out what went wrong--
I gotta smile--
I gotta carry on.

Friendship break up.

Hi.

Ever heard the phrase "Friendship break up is worst than relation break up"? 
Yeah, well, I just've been through that kind of break up. Friendship break up.

What happened?

Small, little, playful comment on Facebook. Of course, I am the one doing the commenting. My friend got pissed off by what I said. She went totally freaked out, texting me on the 1st of Oct 2015 at 6.09 am. Wow, I remember the exact detail. Wish I remember my study notes like this, heh. 

Among the things she wrote that I remembered crystal clear was that she threaten to stay away from me. Those words will forever be engraved in my heart.

So, I replied her back saying that I am sorry, that was a joke and I promise I would never do that again. Stuff like that. As I expected, she didn't read the text. How did I knew that? Well, thanks to Facebook / Whatsapp awesome incredible programmer, there was a double tick, but not a blue tick. Blue tick means the person read our text. Of course, we should know that by now.

I was sorry. I knew that was my fault even though my intention was only to joke around. I forgot, people has their limits, and I break that limit. 

I keep texting sorry and sorry and sorry, over and over again. Yet, no reply. She didn't read the text.

It's actually tiring to keep apologizing, ya know? To add, memories of our fun time together kept coming back. All the tears, the happiness, the anger, the forgiveness, the smiles and laughter. And I can't help but wondering, how could she said that she was going to stay away from me after what we've been through together for almost 14years of friendship. I mean, I know I did wrong. But, was this worth it? 

So she didn't read nor reply all my texts, and bit by bit, my heart start to break.

Now you see, I had a problem with my communication and social skills. I don't know how to made friends or interact with other people. When I made new friends, they're not really a close friend to mine. My close friend need to earn the title close by trust and effort. I don't know why. I guess I am just like that. When one earn the title being close to me, there are times, I tend to cling on that person. Texting, hang out, smiles and laugh, be able to share secrets and problems with that person. And I am the kind of obsessive friend. I get jealous if my best friend is close to other people than me. That is why the reason, losing a best friend is so hard on me. Losing my best friend, means I don't have anyone else like that. 

I am the kind of person, when in possible situation of getting hurt, I end up hurting other person before I, myself get hurt. Let's just say I didn't really handle rejection or pain well. 

Now that this happened to me, what did I learn? What will I do in the future?

Will I made new friends?

I don't know. Perhaps. But I wouldn't really made an effort though. Woman are such a complicated human being and are so full of drama. If I had to chose, I would like to made new male friends. They are simple and open minded, less drama and most importantly, they don't do gossip. 

Will I have new best friend?

Definitely nope. My best slash close friends will remain as they are now. Enough is enough. 

Will we still be friend, my best friend and I?

Probably, she actually just texted me. Saying that later some time, she'll text me and that she was not in her best mood.

If we got back together, will things stay the same? Or better?

Definitely not. Now that things happened this way, I will never be able to do or feel the same. 

I know that she is sensitive, so I will limit my jokes and care for my words before I spit 'em out. 

I will hang out less with her, if it will be only the two of us. If it involves lots of people, then it's okay. 

Why? 

Cause I'll be able to interact with someone else other than only her. 

I will not text and call her regularly. 

I will not comment on any of her post, picture and stuff in Facebook.

You probably will think, why the hell am I doing this after days of texting asking for apologies.

Well, just because I want to stop clinging to someone. I want to stop being depending on other people so much. God forbid, but if this happen again in the future, then I will not be so sad thinking about someone all the time, trying so hard to not let tears fall down my cheek. 

I ask her apologies cause I want to keep our 14years of friendship.

But to be back as before? Nope. I gotta take care of my heart first. I simply don't want to get hurt.

And yes, I take my friendship damn serious. 

Haze.

Haze has been around in the air of Malaysia, Singapore and Brunie for couple a days now. 
Probably been a week? 
Didn't count the days.
Not that I really care actually, but when it is becoming worst, I just can't stand it anymore.
Current IPU (some term they use to mark the danger level of air pollution) at my place was around 160 last time I checked. Which was around just 2 hours ago actually.
Anyway, good job irresponsible people of Indonesia.

We thanked you for the clean air for 11 months you've been providing us and 1 hell of a month with deadly haze. 

Intern

It has been 3 months since the last post in this blog.
Lots have been happening.
 - Eid
 - Went to UiTM Shah Alam for World Software Testing Programme training
 - Got sick, been in and out of the clinic
 - Went back home by flight
 - Was not well again in Kedah
 - Got admitted into the hospital for 5 days
 - Was discharged
 - Admitted into a private hospital and had a surgery
 - Week ago, went to short vacay with family

I'm gonna write about my illness in the next post, insya Allah but, Alhamdulillah, I am all well now. Healthy as a horse and happy as a kid.
Happy? Not that happy, but still, delighted to just be alive.

So, INTERN.

My first plan was to perform my intern at KL. Heck, I even got an offer from an awesome company in Cheras. They are doing web development and Android as their core business, something I would love to learn, especially Android. But, due to my illness, mom been advising me to do my intern at Kedah, so she can take care of me, and it will be a lot easier just in case I got sick again.

I didn't like the idea. But then, I am dead sick at that time, haha. So I agreed. Plus, I won't be getting any money from PTPTN this semester as my contract already ended last semester. So, it would save a lot if I stay in Kedah.

And so, my intern has started in IPG Kedah Darul Aman, Jitra. By the time I wrote this post, it has been 3 days I started working here. Checking in on 29/09/2015 and will be checking out on 28/02/2016. 6 months.

Is thing good here? I don't know. I've just been here for 3 days, got my first assignment on the very first day. That assignment should be finished by today, but I was so stuck in the coding. It's a really simple coding, but heck, how long since I last touched coding? Yeah, around 6 to 7 months ago. I really need to refresh my brain. I learned how to change the cable for the projector in the computer lab. Umm, yeah, so that's quite a new thing for me.

And while I am writing this, the Chinese intern boy next to me, is literally doing an exercise. Boy next to him? Sleeping. The other 2 intern girls? Went out for food. Me? Using the company wifi for personal thing. Such a badass. 

Hope things gonna do great for my intern.
And oh, I miss my friends. 
I miss Mahallah Ruqayyah's shawarma.
I miss them a lot. 

Kahwin. Kawen. Marriage.

Setelah sekian lama menyepi, aku datang lagi, muahahaha.

Itu hari, email been having few probs. Due to faulty laptop actually. BIOS battery kinda messed up. I don't even know if you people will understand if I talk about it, so let's that be that.

So, 2015 already. And it is June now. Quite a few months it have been.

Both personal, social and academically.

But then, my topic is about marriage. Wedding.

One thing that is sure, definitely not about me. Hahaha... *gelak yang terus diam

So few days back, I received FB invitation. To a wedding. 

Seeing the person who invited me, my heart skip a beat.

Yeay, the girl I've known for quite a while is getting married to my ex-boyfriend. 

Truth to be told, I was a bit upset. But then, I manage to gather myself and be sincerely happy about it.

What people say? They have a long fate seeing that they are still together after all this time. *jodoh panjang

We chatted through FB where we talked about our past time. She said that she was sorry and so did I.

Well, we had quite a ruckus back then.

Kay, enough about her. Now let's talk about the man.

The reason I'm posting here is because I personally feel that things between us were still not done yet.

We had a really bad, terrible, horrible relation after we broke up.

We actually become friends after we broke up but then, something happened. We fought real bad. 

Words coming out, terrible horrible words.

Things gone pretty bad since then. And since then, we never keep in touch with each other.

Years passed. Both of us become an adult. I realized what I did was wrong. I did try to contact him few times using FB message, saying that I am and was sorry for what I did. But I never got a reply.

And that's the thing that have been bothering me for this while. 

Not be able to receive forgiveness.

Not be able to explain.

Not be able to discuss things and work things out among us, even as a friend.

Those things were left behind. It keeps hanging somewhere around us.

I don't even know what have we become now.

Long lost friend?

A great enemy?

After I am done writing this, all my guilt were written in this post. I think I am able to finally, move on.

So, here we go.

YN, even we had a really bad times among the two of us, you remained as a good memory to me. Long time have I forgiven you and forget the bad things that happen to us.

What I remembered is your smile. 

How you used to console me every time I had problems.

How each time when we fight as a couple, you will gave me advises. 

"Always look back at the good memories between us, memories that will made you smile."

Those are what you said to me, and trust me, I am still holding on to that.

So yes, you are a good, sweet memories of mine. 

I will always cherish you and the memories we had.

And I will always remember your advises on love, study and life. That was kinda useful and practical actually, hahaha.

I thanked you, for all the memory.

And I really wish for you to be happy. 

I just hope, when we will cross path someday, we will be able to look at each other face and smile, as a friend. 

Truth to be told, you really are, a good friend.

Happy marriage YN. 

-SM-

Judgement

Hurm, haha. Lama tak menulis, sedikit kekok.

Cerita hari ini pasal judgement. Bahasa Melayu nya bermaksud penilaian.

Sedar atau tak, kita orang Melayu, suka sangat menghukum. Menilai sesuka hati.

*fokus aku Melayu sebab aku Melayu. And since my story is based on real experience, maka aku menulis apa yang aku lalui.

Okay, ceritanya bermula.

Dulu, aku tak pakai tudung.

Aku tak paham konsep menutup aurat dan hijab.

Tapi setiap kali ke kelas, aku pakai tudung.

Faktor nya sebab 

- Poli wajib pakai tudung.

- Sebahlul-bahlul aku, aku masih reti dan hormat majlis ilmu.

Dan setiap kali kalau aku berbaju kurung, aku akan pakai tudung.

Walaupun bukan nak ke kelas.

Sebab rasa pelik, pakai baju kurung tapi tak pakai tudung, haha.

Aku jek kot rasa cenggini. Ntah.

One day, aku dapat jemptan ke majlis kahwin abang kawan aku.

Together, we went to the event.

Dengan manis dan ayu, aku memakai baju kurung dan bertudung.

*tudung yang ada awning tuh

Tak disangka, kawan aku cakap

'Lepas nih jangan pakai tudung macam ni boleh?'

"Eh? Kenapa pulak?"

'Nampak macam orang gaji tawu tak? Buat malu jek.'

Boom! Its feels like a bomb had dropped right into my heart.

Those words cut me, slice me as thin as it can be.

You have no idea how hurt I was.

Yup, nasib baik masa tuh kawan aku yang bawak kereta aku.

Kalau aku yang bawak, aku dah terajang dia, halau dia keluar.

Balasan aku terhadap kata2 dia cuma

"Dulu aku tak pakai tudung, hang bising. Sekarang aku pakai tudung, pun hang jugak bising. Apa lagi yang tak kena?"

Dia diam. Silence was just all around in the car. 

See? We people like to ask people to change in a good direction.

Well, thats good. Tapi cara kita salah.

Apa lah salahnya, kita berdakwah dengan kawan kita.

Dia ikut dakwah kita, mula pakai tudung.

Tapi tudung dia singkat, jarang, nampak lagi rambut sikit2.

Kita terus nak point out benda negatif tuh.

Kita tak nampak struggle kawan kita hanya kerana nak pakai tudung tuh.

Changes, need time. Changes in instant will never work. Changes that is not in the will of Allah, will also never work. Trust me, I know that.

Take things slowly. Step by step.

As for me, I would've prefer my friend said these to me rather the those mean words

"Bagus laa pakai tudung. You look good. But I am pretty sure you can look even prettier if you try other kind of hijab."

Perhaps, just perhaps. 

Aku akan lebih berminat dengan tudung. Pada masa itu. Dahulu.

-Shah Sahaja-

Sod Ba Ro.

Last night was terrible. I almost explode. Note the word, almost.

Ada saja benda yang tak kena.

Ada saja benda nak marah.

Panas sangat kot, haha. *salahkan cuaca pulak.

Aku seorang yang sangat panas baran.

Tapi, aku punya level of tolerance jugak sangat tinggi.

Sama dengan level of ignorance aku.

Sebab tuh aku susah nak naik angin.

Semalam, tetiba aku rasa nak pecah.

Hati rasa gelisah, mula nak marah orang.

Bermula dari orang blok kereta--

Sampai ke malam di mana kawan aku buat hal.

Benda kecik, tapi aku naik angin.
Hati rasa tak tenang.

Aku PM FB kawan aku. Mintak nasihat dia. 

Aku cakap sama dia--

"Aku nih, dah jauh sangat kot dari Allah. Itu pasal hati gelisah semacam. Tak tenang rasa."

Dan seperti kawan yang baik, dia nasihat aku, bercerita itu ini mengenai untungnya sabar di dunia. 

Apa ganjaran orang yang sabar di akhirat nanti.

INSAF.

Kawan aku cakap-

"Sekurangnya, hang taw hati hang tak tenang. Hang cuba carik jalan penyelesaian. Itu kan dah tunjuk tanda Allah nak hang balik pada Allah?"

*menitik ayaq mata.

Few minutes after that, room mate aku datang bilik aku.

Aku bercerita dekat dia. Aku cakap aku asyik nak marah orang je sekarang.

Kemudian aku cakap-

"Kak Shida nih, dah jauh sangat dari Allah. Itu yang hati tak tenang tuh."

Dia pegang lembut bahu aku-

'Jangan cakap macam tuh kak Shida. Allah nak uji akak.

Allah nak akak belajar erti sabar, Allah nak latih akak cakap elok-elok dengan orang.

Bila tengah marah ke, tak marah ke.

Ujian Allah, mendekatkan lagi akak pada Allah."

*berkolam mata aku dengar dia cakap camtuh.

Hikmah banyak sangat masa aku hampir gila semalam.

- didatangkan kawan aku yang aku pm fb tuh

- room mate aku datang masuk bilik dan bagi nasihat

- junior aku tetiba invite aku like 1 page kat FB, yang mana bila aku bukak page tuh, page tuh berkaitan dengan sajak/puisi berunsur ke-Tuhan-an.

Haih Tuhan--

Terima kasih- hadirkan mereka dalam hidup aku.

Terima kasih-untuk semua yang Engkau berikan.

Terima kasih Tuhan.

 
"Maka yang mana satu di antara nikmat-nikmat Tuhan kamu, yang kamu hendak dustakan 

(wahai umat manusia dan jin)?"

-Surah ar-Rahman, ayat 13- 

Boyfriend?

Hahaha. Umur dah cecah 24 tahun. Well, not exactly kalau ikut birthday. 

Makin lama, makin berusia.

Balik rumah, mak dah tanya soalan cepumas.

Aku? Gelak je laa jawabnya.

Mak suruh cari boyfriend kat UIA.

Malas nak menjawab, aku buat endah tak endah. Pura-pura tengok TV.

Bila fikir, aku tengok sekeliling aku.

Tengok perangai orang bercinta.

Fikir balik cerita cinta aku yang DULU--

Aku tak nak dah bercinta.

Biar lah orang kata tak laku--

Aku tak peduli.

Bila bercinta, ber-couple, mesti nak keluar sesama--

Jalan-jalan pegang tangan.

Tangkap gambar bersama berdua.

You know? Stuff couples did.

Ya, aku tak kata semua orang buat macam tuh. Tapi--kebanyakan.

Iman kita nih, tak boleh dijangka--

Kejap turun, kejap naik.

Dan bagi aku, iman aku tak cukup kuat nak tepis semua dugaan tuh.

*dugaan nafsu nak pegang tangan, jalan berdua, tengok wayang.

Aku tak berani ambil risiko.

Kahwin--biarlah cuma sekali seumur hidup.

Dan biarlah kekal sampai ke mati.

Bersama berdua hingga ke syurga Allah.

Benda yang couple semua buat tuh--

Biarlah kami buat bersama-- bila dah halal untuk masing-masing.

Bakal suami aku--

Aku letak piawaian untuk dia.

Ada syarat untuk dia penuhi.

Akan di lihat dia dari semua sudut.

Baik dunia mahupun akhirat.

Macam mana pun, suami yang akan bimbing isteri dalam rumah tangga nanti.

Kalau aku tak nilai semua benda ni, mampu ke bertahan rumah tangga aku?

Eh, dari topik mak suruh carik boyfriend sampai ke topik bakal suami, haha.

Jauh benor hang tersasar Shidah oiii..

Hidayah milik Allah.

Tadi malam tengok Majalah 3 dengan mak. Pasal non-Muslim in Japan revert to Islam.  Depa interview few Japan Muslim people. Among those few, the one that attract my attention was a monk.

Tak ingat apa nama sami tuh. Dari kecil dia jadi sami dan dia benci dengan agama Islam sebab terpengaruh dengan media yang mengatakan orang beragama Islam itu pengganas.

Kunjungan dia ke India memberi hidayah. Dia singgah makan kat satu kedai. Pemilik kedai tuh layan dia baik sangat, dia terharu dan kagum. Dan dia bertanya kepada pemilik kedai itu
"Are you a Hindu?"
'Nope.'
"Then what is your religion?"
'I am a Muslim.'

Dari situ, pandangan dia tentang Islam berubah. Dia mula mencari apa itu Islam. Hasil pencarian dia membuatkan dia jatuh cinta dengan Islam dan memeluk agama Islam.

Seorang sami Buddha, menjadi penganut agama Islam di bumi yang mana penganut Islam cuma 10 ribu. Agama Islam adalah agama minoriti di Jepun. Benarlah firman Allah,
"Sesungguhnya kamu tidak akan dapat memberi petunjuk kepada orang yang kamu kasihi, tetapi Allah memberi petunjuk kepada orang yang dikehendaki-Nya, dan Allah lebih mengetahui orang-orang yang mau menerima petunjuk." (QS. Al Qashash: 56)

Dari sini dapat kita lihat dan refleks pada diri sendiri. Kalau tak tahu dan tak punya ilmu yang cukup untuk berdakwah melalui lisan, cukup dengan perbuatan. Kalaulah pemilik kedai tu bersikap biadap dengan sami tu, agak2, tergerak tak hati sami tu nak mencari tentang Islam?

Berlaku baiklah kita pada semua orang. Tanpa mengira bangsa mahupun agama. Seperti hadis Nabi,
"Tidak ada sesuatu yang lebih berat timbangannya (di Hari Kiamat) dibanding Akhlak mulia" HR. Abu Dawud, Ibnu Majah, At-Turmudzi, dan Ahmad, dari Abu Darda

Dealing with problems

Assalamu'alaikum..

Few weeks ago, I had a problem. And no, I didn't want to mention about that. What I want to tell here is about how I deal with it.

I didn't tell any of my friends. Well, it was known to some friends by accidental and I told them to keep it close. I called my friend, cried over the phone while she listened with patient. Yet, I told her nothing. I was in a mourning mood for 2 days. Then came Allah's help.

A friend of mine text me, asking to borrow my laptop since I have the wi-fi connection and her laptop can't connect to the wi-fi. Being generous, I said yes. 

'Demam ke?' She asked me.

"Tak lah, tak dak mood aaa."

'Muka cam tak sihat je.'

"Kak Shida ada masalah aaa."

'Masalah apa?'

Right at the moment she asked what is my problem, I keep quiet. I was wondering should I tell her or not. I've tell no one, why would I tell her? And Bam! All of sudden, my mouth blurted out what was my problem is. She listened to it, smile and laugh. 

It was probably the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. Well, perhaps because it is my mood swing and her smile seems to lighten me up. Then she told me 'It will be just fine.'

Together, we walk back to my room. She was doing her work at my table, I was reading book while laying down the on the floor. I watch her doing her work. With that image in my eyes, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, there she was. Still doing her work. 

'Mimpi apa tadi? Tidur nyenyak gila.' 

*I smiled.

I've been sleeping for only an hour. But that one hour feels like I've been sleeping for a day. It was peaceful. A heavy rock feels have been lifted from my small heart. My mind seems to be clear and empty from any emotion. I feel fresh and new. Perhaps, it was because I have nothing left in my heart. After all, I've been spilling what bothers me for couple days to my friend.

We, human are imperfect. There are times when we will come across a dilemma, problems that we might feel shy to share it with our friend, we might stumbles, fall down hard and lots. But remember, when those time comes, seek for help. 

Friend might not be able to help us, but by telling them our problem, we are sharing the problem with them. Some of the heavy burden, will be gone, makes it bearable for us.

Talk to someone. And choose the person you want to talk to wisely.

Surprises of life.

Assalamu'alaikum.

Last 21st December 2013, my friend's mum's passed away. It was cause of stroke. I was very close to her as I called her 'Mama.' According to what my friend said, Mama was talking happily, making jokes and laughing with them when she suddenly collapse while trying to answer a phone call.

After a brain scan done by my friend's aunt's, it seems that Mama had an internal bleeding in her brain. It was worst. After 3 days in coma, Mama went to meet her Creator, the One and Only, Allah. I was in shocked. As far as I know Mama, she rarely get sick. And all of a sudden, she passed away already.

When I know bout' the news, I was getting ready to get back home from IIUM to my hometown. Since my friend and I were in the same hometown, I was eager to get back home. I drove fast. Like, real fast. Even to the point, dad asked to changed driver from me to my baby sis.

Mama's death taught me. The same way as my uncle's death do. Life is full of surprise. And you just can't expect what awaits us the next minute. Or perhaps, second. Maybe millisecond. Who knows. Only Allah know that.

My friend and Mama were very close. They used to joke around, help each other in the kitchen, went out together for food hunting at 2:00 am and lots. They almost do everything together. Well, my mum and I was the opposite of that. I mean, I did help my mum in the kitchen, we make jokes and laugh. But our communication was not deep enough as my friend and Mama.

Through Mama's death, I learned how precious it is the relationship between family. I make a promise to myself. 

• I want to make my mum happy. 
• I want to see her laugh at my jokes. 
• I want to massage her legs whenever she was having a cramp or too tired too walk. 
• I want to sit with my mum in our yard and look at my mum's orchid. 
• I want to do mostly everything with her. 
• I want to improve my lack of communication with my mum.

And if ever something happened to my mum, or my dad, or whomever it is in my family, I will feel no regret. As I know, they know how much I love them. 

Or perhaps, if something ever happened to me, they will also know how much I love them. And in memory of that, they will continue living a happy life.

Be loved.

Learned how to loved.

Give loves to the loved one.

For the next minutes--

There are always surprises awaits us.

Regret

For the first time.

My hand was shaking so much--

That my handwriting became all shaky.

Become ugly.

That it became hard for me to keep writing .

It was not because I am mad about something.

Rather, it was because I am broken hearted.

For the first time again.

I failed myself.

Among all the wasteful, rubbish, evil things I did.

I would never be broken hearted like this.

This was the bottom of it.

I always said to myself

"I would never regret anything I did--

Because what I've did, molded me into what I am right now."

And now.

I totally regret my action.