Sod Ba Ro.

Last night was terrible. I almost explode. Note the word, almost.

Ada saja benda yang tak kena.

Ada saja benda nak marah.

Panas sangat kot, haha. *salahkan cuaca pulak.

Aku seorang yang sangat panas baran.

Tapi, aku punya level of tolerance jugak sangat tinggi.

Sama dengan level of ignorance aku.

Sebab tuh aku susah nak naik angin.

Semalam, tetiba aku rasa nak pecah.

Hati rasa gelisah, mula nak marah orang.

Bermula dari orang blok kereta--

Sampai ke malam di mana kawan aku buat hal.

Benda kecik, tapi aku naik angin.
Hati rasa tak tenang.

Aku PM FB kawan aku. Mintak nasihat dia. 

Aku cakap sama dia--

"Aku nih, dah jauh sangat kot dari Allah. Itu pasal hati gelisah semacam. Tak tenang rasa."

Dan seperti kawan yang baik, dia nasihat aku, bercerita itu ini mengenai untungnya sabar di dunia. 

Apa ganjaran orang yang sabar di akhirat nanti.

INSAF.

Kawan aku cakap-

"Sekurangnya, hang taw hati hang tak tenang. Hang cuba carik jalan penyelesaian. Itu kan dah tunjuk tanda Allah nak hang balik pada Allah?"

*menitik ayaq mata.

Few minutes after that, room mate aku datang bilik aku.

Aku bercerita dekat dia. Aku cakap aku asyik nak marah orang je sekarang.

Kemudian aku cakap-

"Kak Shida nih, dah jauh sangat dari Allah. Itu yang hati tak tenang tuh."

Dia pegang lembut bahu aku-

'Jangan cakap macam tuh kak Shida. Allah nak uji akak.

Allah nak akak belajar erti sabar, Allah nak latih akak cakap elok-elok dengan orang.

Bila tengah marah ke, tak marah ke.

Ujian Allah, mendekatkan lagi akak pada Allah."

*berkolam mata aku dengar dia cakap camtuh.

Hikmah banyak sangat masa aku hampir gila semalam.

- didatangkan kawan aku yang aku pm fb tuh

- room mate aku datang masuk bilik dan bagi nasihat

- junior aku tetiba invite aku like 1 page kat FB, yang mana bila aku bukak page tuh, page tuh berkaitan dengan sajak/puisi berunsur ke-Tuhan-an.

Haih Tuhan--

Terima kasih- hadirkan mereka dalam hidup aku.

Terima kasih-untuk semua yang Engkau berikan.

Terima kasih Tuhan.

 
"Maka yang mana satu di antara nikmat-nikmat Tuhan kamu, yang kamu hendak dustakan 

(wahai umat manusia dan jin)?"

-Surah ar-Rahman, ayat 13- 

Boyfriend?

Hahaha. Umur dah cecah 24 tahun. Well, not exactly kalau ikut birthday. 

Makin lama, makin berusia.

Balik rumah, mak dah tanya soalan cepumas.

Aku? Gelak je laa jawabnya.

Mak suruh cari boyfriend kat UIA.

Malas nak menjawab, aku buat endah tak endah. Pura-pura tengok TV.

Bila fikir, aku tengok sekeliling aku.

Tengok perangai orang bercinta.

Fikir balik cerita cinta aku yang DULU--

Aku tak nak dah bercinta.

Biar lah orang kata tak laku--

Aku tak peduli.

Bila bercinta, ber-couple, mesti nak keluar sesama--

Jalan-jalan pegang tangan.

Tangkap gambar bersama berdua.

You know? Stuff couples did.

Ya, aku tak kata semua orang buat macam tuh. Tapi--kebanyakan.

Iman kita nih, tak boleh dijangka--

Kejap turun, kejap naik.

Dan bagi aku, iman aku tak cukup kuat nak tepis semua dugaan tuh.

*dugaan nafsu nak pegang tangan, jalan berdua, tengok wayang.

Aku tak berani ambil risiko.

Kahwin--biarlah cuma sekali seumur hidup.

Dan biarlah kekal sampai ke mati.

Bersama berdua hingga ke syurga Allah.

Benda yang couple semua buat tuh--

Biarlah kami buat bersama-- bila dah halal untuk masing-masing.

Bakal suami aku--

Aku letak piawaian untuk dia.

Ada syarat untuk dia penuhi.

Akan di lihat dia dari semua sudut.

Baik dunia mahupun akhirat.

Macam mana pun, suami yang akan bimbing isteri dalam rumah tangga nanti.

Kalau aku tak nilai semua benda ni, mampu ke bertahan rumah tangga aku?

Eh, dari topik mak suruh carik boyfriend sampai ke topik bakal suami, haha.

Jauh benor hang tersasar Shidah oiii..

Hidayah milik Allah.

Tadi malam tengok Majalah 3 dengan mak. Pasal non-Muslim in Japan revert to Islam.  Depa interview few Japan Muslim people. Among those few, the one that attract my attention was a monk.

Tak ingat apa nama sami tuh. Dari kecil dia jadi sami dan dia benci dengan agama Islam sebab terpengaruh dengan media yang mengatakan orang beragama Islam itu pengganas.

Kunjungan dia ke India memberi hidayah. Dia singgah makan kat satu kedai. Pemilik kedai tuh layan dia baik sangat, dia terharu dan kagum. Dan dia bertanya kepada pemilik kedai itu
"Are you a Hindu?"
'Nope.'
"Then what is your religion?"
'I am a Muslim.'

Dari situ, pandangan dia tentang Islam berubah. Dia mula mencari apa itu Islam. Hasil pencarian dia membuatkan dia jatuh cinta dengan Islam dan memeluk agama Islam.

Seorang sami Buddha, menjadi penganut agama Islam di bumi yang mana penganut Islam cuma 10 ribu. Agama Islam adalah agama minoriti di Jepun. Benarlah firman Allah,
"Sesungguhnya kamu tidak akan dapat memberi petunjuk kepada orang yang kamu kasihi, tetapi Allah memberi petunjuk kepada orang yang dikehendaki-Nya, dan Allah lebih mengetahui orang-orang yang mau menerima petunjuk." (QS. Al Qashash: 56)

Dari sini dapat kita lihat dan refleks pada diri sendiri. Kalau tak tahu dan tak punya ilmu yang cukup untuk berdakwah melalui lisan, cukup dengan perbuatan. Kalaulah pemilik kedai tu bersikap biadap dengan sami tu, agak2, tergerak tak hati sami tu nak mencari tentang Islam?

Berlaku baiklah kita pada semua orang. Tanpa mengira bangsa mahupun agama. Seperti hadis Nabi,
"Tidak ada sesuatu yang lebih berat timbangannya (di Hari Kiamat) dibanding Akhlak mulia" HR. Abu Dawud, Ibnu Majah, At-Turmudzi, dan Ahmad, dari Abu Darda

Dealing with problems

Assalamu'alaikum..

Few weeks ago, I had a problem. And no, I didn't want to mention about that. What I want to tell here is about how I deal with it.

I didn't tell any of my friends. Well, it was known to some friends by accidental and I told them to keep it close. I called my friend, cried over the phone while she listened with patient. Yet, I told her nothing. I was in a mourning mood for 2 days. Then came Allah's help.

A friend of mine text me, asking to borrow my laptop since I have the wi-fi connection and her laptop can't connect to the wi-fi. Being generous, I said yes. 

'Demam ke?' She asked me.

"Tak lah, tak dak mood aaa."

'Muka cam tak sihat je.'

"Kak Shida ada masalah aaa."

'Masalah apa?'

Right at the moment she asked what is my problem, I keep quiet. I was wondering should I tell her or not. I've tell no one, why would I tell her? And Bam! All of sudden, my mouth blurted out what was my problem is. She listened to it, smile and laugh. 

It was probably the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. Well, perhaps because it is my mood swing and her smile seems to lighten me up. Then she told me 'It will be just fine.'

Together, we walk back to my room. She was doing her work at my table, I was reading book while laying down the on the floor. I watch her doing her work. With that image in my eyes, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, there she was. Still doing her work. 

'Mimpi apa tadi? Tidur nyenyak gila.' 

*I smiled.

I've been sleeping for only an hour. But that one hour feels like I've been sleeping for a day. It was peaceful. A heavy rock feels have been lifted from my small heart. My mind seems to be clear and empty from any emotion. I feel fresh and new. Perhaps, it was because I have nothing left in my heart. After all, I've been spilling what bothers me for couple days to my friend.

We, human are imperfect. There are times when we will come across a dilemma, problems that we might feel shy to share it with our friend, we might stumbles, fall down hard and lots. But remember, when those time comes, seek for help. 

Friend might not be able to help us, but by telling them our problem, we are sharing the problem with them. Some of the heavy burden, will be gone, makes it bearable for us.

Talk to someone. And choose the person you want to talk to wisely.

Surprises of life.

Assalamu'alaikum.

Last 21st December 2013, my friend's mum's passed away. It was cause of stroke. I was very close to her as I called her 'Mama.' According to what my friend said, Mama was talking happily, making jokes and laughing with them when she suddenly collapse while trying to answer a phone call.

After a brain scan done by my friend's aunt's, it seems that Mama had an internal bleeding in her brain. It was worst. After 3 days in coma, Mama went to meet her Creator, the One and Only, Allah. I was in shocked. As far as I know Mama, she rarely get sick. And all of a sudden, she passed away already.

When I know bout' the news, I was getting ready to get back home from IIUM to my hometown. Since my friend and I were in the same hometown, I was eager to get back home. I drove fast. Like, real fast. Even to the point, dad asked to changed driver from me to my baby sis.

Mama's death taught me. The same way as my uncle's death do. Life is full of surprise. And you just can't expect what awaits us the next minute. Or perhaps, second. Maybe millisecond. Who knows. Only Allah know that.

My friend and Mama were very close. They used to joke around, help each other in the kitchen, went out together for food hunting at 2:00 am and lots. They almost do everything together. Well, my mum and I was the opposite of that. I mean, I did help my mum in the kitchen, we make jokes and laugh. But our communication was not deep enough as my friend and Mama.

Through Mama's death, I learned how precious it is the relationship between family. I make a promise to myself. 

• I want to make my mum happy. 
• I want to see her laugh at my jokes. 
• I want to massage her legs whenever she was having a cramp or too tired too walk. 
• I want to sit with my mum in our yard and look at my mum's orchid. 
• I want to do mostly everything with her. 
• I want to improve my lack of communication with my mum.

And if ever something happened to my mum, or my dad, or whomever it is in my family, I will feel no regret. As I know, they know how much I love them. 

Or perhaps, if something ever happened to me, they will also know how much I love them. And in memory of that, they will continue living a happy life.

Be loved.

Learned how to loved.

Give loves to the loved one.

For the next minutes--

There are always surprises awaits us.

Regret

For the first time.

My hand was shaking so much--

That my handwriting became all shaky.

Become ugly.

That it became hard for me to keep writing .

It was not because I am mad about something.

Rather, it was because I am broken hearted.

For the first time again.

I failed myself.

Among all the wasteful, rubbish, evil things I did.

I would never be broken hearted like this.

This was the bottom of it.

I always said to myself

"I would never regret anything I did--

Because what I've did, molded me into what I am right now."

And now.

I totally regret my action.

CAM

Assalamu'alaikum..

Today, in Calculus class. Prof revealed our continuous assessment mark (CAM).

It is in total of 60. Add up with with exam, 40. Make a whole of 100.

Sir called my name.

My steps felt heavier when walking towards him.

Heavier than when I was jogging and having a short breath.

Still, I gathered up my courage and step toward his table.

'I don't think you can do this, Shidah.'

I take a quick look at my mark while Prof was uttering that word.

My heart sank. Prof's words become an echo in my ears.

As if I can't hear anything. I don't want to hear anything.

But still, thank you Prof for keeping my mark as a secret and do not announce it publicly.

Thank you for taking care of my pride.

Prof had made me a promise, in which I have to kick my ass to fulfill them.

If I am able to fulfill his condition, I will pass Calculus.

Please don't think anything dirty, haha.

Prof is like a father to me.

Walking back to my chair, I was afraid and shamed.

Knowing that my friends will ask me how much my mark is.

As I predicted, they asked. But I keep my mouth tight.

To speechless to say, to nonsense to think, I start laughing.

And breathing a long sigh.

Both of my friends, in my right and left.

Hold my hands and laugh with me.

Their hand felt so warm that it warmth my cold hands.

As itwarmth my cold heart too.

Their words of encouragement made me believe that I can do it.

It is through their warm touch--

their friendly and loving gaze--

their word of encouragement--

I have found my strength again.

Thank you for holding tight to me.

I am glad Prof told you to sit in the front row.

And I am grateful that both of you--

Chose to sit in my left and right.

Thank you