the secrets

Talking about secrets, it's supposed to be well kept from other people. It should never be shared. When I said never, it means, never, ever, and ever. But hey, let's be honest here, some people just can't keep secret. They feel the need, the urge to tell it to someone. 

Why? Heck, I don't know.

Even I felt that sometimes, haha.

So yeah, when you planned to spill out the secret, choose the person well. Make sure the person is able to keep your secret, the person should make you feel safe after all the secrets was spilled.

That, is my part. 

The person, though I don't know why, seems to be ME.

Like, seriously. People been telling me their secrets from I was in high school. I had no idea why, haha. God knows how much dark secrets that is dwell within me. 

To be honest, there are time, I think that as a burden. I mean, why do people come to me, like all the time? Don't they have other friend they can spill that secret to? I too, sometimes felt burden by all the secrets and stories I have to keep. It keeps getting heavy, time by time.

But then, I reflect back on myself.

I suddenly remember my life goal--

"To make a change to people's life, even by smiling."

Well, by being their safe box, I am changing them. By listening to the secrets and the stories, I am able to give my advice, guide them to the right path, help them when in need and be a shoulder for them to cry on.

I could help make a change in someone's life, just by listening to them.

A friend of mine, once after she finished spilling her secrets out to me, she said--

"Babe, I don't know why, but it just felt good to share with you my secrets and problems. I didn't do this to other people, just you. Maybe it is the fact that you had once being bad, then repent to the path of Islam and Allah, that make you understand people better. You don't judge people by their stories as you, yourselves had live through them."

Those words, are the main reason why I keep reflecting on myself from time to time, when I am tired of all the bulls people keep telling me.

Anyway, got a problem? Got any secrets to share?

I am here. 

I might be a bit late, but I am always here.

bye 2015

31/12/2015

The last day in year 2015.
365 days has it been.

Has it been a good year? Or rather a bad year?
I'd say it has been both.

From the struggle of my FYP in IIUM,
Enrolling into WSTP short course for only 5 days, hahaha,
Admitted to ward and was operated at the private hospital,
Little family trip to Penang, Langkawi and Perak,
Had the chance to do parasailing at Penang. Gotta say, it was a total adrenaline rush,
My best friend, Sawie getting married,
And finally intern at IPDA.

That was the good part of the year and a bit bad part. There was definitely a lot of up and down in this year.
But, lets remember 2015 as a good year.

2016 New Year motivation thingy?
Yeap.

To be better than now.
To get a job and be able to treat family a nice meal and able to give money to mom and dad.
To be slim!!! hahahaha
To have my own business.

Marriage is definitely not in the plan right now, haha. But yeah, we'll leave that to that.

Hopefully, 2016 gonna offers us more smile.

p/s : spending the last day of 2015 all alone in office is a bit sad, but come on shidah, you can nail this. after all, life is about being alone,

hmmmm....

Hmmm, dear blog. 

What more should I wrote?
 What more do I have to say?
Life have been pretty good.

Few days back then, I learned how to make bulgogi, Korean style of bbq beef.
Just yesterday, I made kimbap, Korean style of roll rice. Another version of sushi.

There were few downs of course. 
I was upset with mom when she scold me for not folding my clothes. My fault anyway.
My dad was ordering me around, making me more upset with that. 
I hate to be ordered around.

Things at the office were chaotic and busy. I didn't have any time to write new posts, read Izzati's blog. There were only enough time for me to eat lunch. 

Adik went back home for Deepavali and is flying back to Shah Alam around noon, today. She loved the kimbap I made, which of course, made me happy.

Cooking is about seeing the person you love, eat heartily.

the job offer

Dear blog,

last night, mom called the little sister. Well, not so little, haha. Adik broke the news. A company had offered her a job, sort of accounting job. The company, I'm not sure the name, but it is some sort of among a huge companies in Malaysia. 

This is her second time being offered by the same company. When they first offered her, adik refused. Cause she is in the middle of her study. She actually applied to do a part time, so when they offered her a full time job, she refused. The same company then, called her again. Asking her to reconsider. They are offering her a full time job, asked her to made her study as a part time and at the same time, they will give her scholarship for her study.

The offer was tempting. Adik was tempted. But she is also strong. She asked for time to think about it. Plus, she got exam coming. Salute that.

I was so happy. And I still am. But at the same time, I felt like a loser. I was sad. I was jealous. I felt so down. I felt that if someone buried me, I could stay deeper in the ground. 

Mind the fact that adik is 2 years younger, and she is now 23 years old. She had her diploma, her degree and is currently pursuing her professional in accounting. While doing that, she already got a job offer. All that in 23 years old.

I am 25 years old. I held my diploma certificate at 21 years old. 4 years passed, and I am still in my degree, doing my last semester as an intern. Still begging for mom and dad for pocket money. I have tons of debts already, well, my study loan. And I haven't been offered a job. I felt like I am the biggest loser of all.

Mom and dad's face last night when the news broke didn't help. Mom and dad's face glow, shining. And they smiling so hard, I can see their happiness in their eyes. 

And I can't help but wondering, have I ever made their face smile and glow like that? Will I be able to do so? 

I told this to 2 of my friends. As expected
- don't be sad
- you are not a loser
- your time will come, soon
- don't worry

I have expected this, haha. After all, I always said that to myself. So yeah, it's predictable, haha. 

Like my friend said 'Ini rezeki dia, rezeki akak ada je nanti. Cuma mungkin, bukan sekarang.'
To which I replied back "Hmm, aku dapat makan benda free, rezeki jugak kan? Hahaha"

Rezeki sentiasa ada, kita kena pandai melihat. 
Aku tahu--
Aku boleh nampak rezeki aku.
Cuma perasaan nih--
Masih ada.

Nanti sehari dua--
Baik lah tuh. 

Kena cari balik semangat aku.

Ini masa, masa adik--
Nanti--
Datang laa masa aku.

Ipoh trip

Dear blog,

today, I am left all alone at home for 2days and 1 night. 
Why you asked me? 

Mom and dad went on a trip to Ipoh with their elderly club. The transportation they are using is the new bullet train or so called the ETS. From Anak Bukit Station to Ipoh, they went.

And today, phone keeps buzzing due to incoming WhatsApp texts, haha. Mom and dad been posting pictures of them at the places they went, haha. I gotta tell ya', mommy and daddy look so cute and happy, just like newlyweds! Hahaha

Mom and dad in the ETS looking happy

I am so happy looking at mom and dad, travelling around with their friends. Making happy moments together, just the two of them. Without us, bugging around them, haha. 

I mean, they sacrificed a lot by raising the 4 of us up. All of their time, was spent on family. Not that I'm saying that is not a good thing, but seeing mom and dad together, just made my day. They look like they are in love, again and again and again.

Daddy and Mommy again, in front of the Kellie's Castle

I hope my future partner and I will be the same as mom and dad.
- doing great jobs raising the kids
- grow old together
- work hard to have enough money. Or perhaps, a lot of it, haha
- retired from our job at the same time 
- travelling just the two of us, leaving our kids, doing their things
- be forever in love  

the birthday gift

Casio gold with chronograph

Dear blog, 

last 19/10 was my birthday. It was simple, but it was perfect. Everything was the way I wanted it to be and I wouldn't changed it for anything. We had a simple dinner outside. Not a fancy one, but the dinner was only at a mamak stall. We ate nan cheese and tandoori chicken. It is so good.

But nahhh, that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about my birthday present.

I could definitely say, the gift I had this year was the best ever, yet. Hahaha. So what did I get? I got myself a watch *smiling from ear to ear*

A day before my birthday, the parents and I were eating some fritters when daddy asked what do I want for my birthday. I gotta tell ya' and I ain't no lie, when I said, I gotta think hard and long, haha. Seriously. After a long and hard thinking, I told my dad
"Daddy, there's nothing I want. I have everything I wanted."
Immediately, daddy replied me.
"Well, you don't have a watch. You want a watch?"
I snapped my finger and said "Oh yeah dad! I really didn't have a watch. I forgot I don't have a watch, haha."

So the deal is sealed. Last Thursday I went to the mall to check it out. And I found it. On Friday, I got the dream watch of my life. 

This is the best present ever--
because it was from my dad
because it came from his observation of me, when I didn't even know it.

Thank you daddy.
For watching me this much. 
I love you, daddy.
So much.

birthday

Dear blog, 

so last couple of days was my birthday. *19/10/2015*
And I am so happy.
Dad wanted to buy me a new watch, still, I haven't got the time to walk around the mall looking for the perfect watch for my beautiful hand, kekeke.

Being 25 years old, I suddenly realized I have lived for quite a long time. I am old. Haha
Was my life good enough? Have I done something to contribute to the society? What are the things I want to achieve in my life? 

Those are the question that I found hard to answer. I've been struggling all my life to find the answer. At 25 years old, have I found the answer yet?

The answer is NO.
I am still on my journey in finding the answer. Truth be told, I don't know if I ever get my answer.

But still, I am trying to change the world. Or atleast, I am trying to change people life, by making it better.

How did I do that you ask me? *smile*

To bring a change to someone life, you must first, change yourself. Educate yourself to be better, behave in a proper manner, smile often to stranger, pick up any trash you see laying down on the ground and put 'em back to where they belong, the dustbin of course.

See, these little small things, might not bring a change to other people's life. But, I mean, we never know aren't we? 

Sometime, its the little things that give big impact. So, do goo to other people.

And lastly, 
Happy 25th Birthday to me, Shahidah Mokhtar. 
You have lived a wonderful life, of course, there have been ups and down, but you faced it bravely, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. In future, I hope you continue to be brave, be able to smile and laugh a lot, obey the religion, obey your parents, read al-Quran everyday and do more positive things that can give out positive vibes to other people.