bye 2015

31/12/2015

The last day in year 2015.
365 days has it been.

Has it been a good year? Or rather a bad year?
I'd say it has been both.

From the struggle of my FYP in IIUM,
Enrolling into WSTP short course for only 5 days, hahaha,
Admitted to ward and was operated at the private hospital,
Little family trip to Penang, Langkawi and Perak,
Had the chance to do parasailing at Penang. Gotta say, it was a total adrenaline rush,
My best friend, Sawie getting married,
And finally intern at IPDA.

That was the good part of the year and a bit bad part. There was definitely a lot of up and down in this year.
But, lets remember 2015 as a good year.

2016 New Year motivation thingy?
Yeap.

To be better than now.
To get a job and be able to treat family a nice meal and able to give money to mom and dad.
To be slim!!! hahahaha
To have my own business.

Marriage is definitely not in the plan right now, haha. But yeah, we'll leave that to that.

Hopefully, 2016 gonna offers us more smile.

p/s : spending the last day of 2015 all alone in office is a bit sad, but come on shidah, you can nail this. after all, life is about being alone,

hmmmm....

Hmmm, dear blog. 

What more should I wrote?
 What more do I have to say?
Life have been pretty good.

Few days back then, I learned how to make bulgogi, Korean style of bbq beef.
Just yesterday, I made kimbap, Korean style of roll rice. Another version of sushi.

There were few downs of course. 
I was upset with mom when she scold me for not folding my clothes. My fault anyway.
My dad was ordering me around, making me more upset with that. 
I hate to be ordered around.

Things at the office were chaotic and busy. I didn't have any time to write new posts, read Izzati's blog. There were only enough time for me to eat lunch. 

Adik went back home for Deepavali and is flying back to Shah Alam around noon, today. She loved the kimbap I made, which of course, made me happy.

Cooking is about seeing the person you love, eat heartily.

the job offer

Dear blog,

last night, mom called the little sister. Well, not so little, haha. Adik broke the news. A company had offered her a job, sort of accounting job. The company, I'm not sure the name, but it is some sort of among a huge companies in Malaysia. 

This is her second time being offered by the same company. When they first offered her, adik refused. Cause she is in the middle of her study. She actually applied to do a part time, so when they offered her a full time job, she refused. The same company then, called her again. Asking her to reconsider. They are offering her a full time job, asked her to made her study as a part time and at the same time, they will give her scholarship for her study.

The offer was tempting. Adik was tempted. But she is also strong. She asked for time to think about it. Plus, she got exam coming. Salute that.

I was so happy. And I still am. But at the same time, I felt like a loser. I was sad. I was jealous. I felt so down. I felt that if someone buried me, I could stay deeper in the ground. 

Mind the fact that adik is 2 years younger, and she is now 23 years old. She had her diploma, her degree and is currently pursuing her professional in accounting. While doing that, she already got a job offer. All that in 23 years old.

I am 25 years old. I held my diploma certificate at 21 years old. 4 years passed, and I am still in my degree, doing my last semester as an intern. Still begging for mom and dad for pocket money. I have tons of debts already, well, my study loan. And I haven't been offered a job. I felt like I am the biggest loser of all.

Mom and dad's face last night when the news broke didn't help. Mom and dad's face glow, shining. And they smiling so hard, I can see their happiness in their eyes. 

And I can't help but wondering, have I ever made their face smile and glow like that? Will I be able to do so? 

I told this to 2 of my friends. As expected
- don't be sad
- you are not a loser
- your time will come, soon
- don't worry

I have expected this, haha. After all, I always said that to myself. So yeah, it's predictable, haha. 

Like my friend said 'Ini rezeki dia, rezeki akak ada je nanti. Cuma mungkin, bukan sekarang.'
To which I replied back "Hmm, aku dapat makan benda free, rezeki jugak kan? Hahaha"

Rezeki sentiasa ada, kita kena pandai melihat. 
Aku tahu--
Aku boleh nampak rezeki aku.
Cuma perasaan nih--
Masih ada.

Nanti sehari dua--
Baik lah tuh. 

Kena cari balik semangat aku.

Ini masa, masa adik--
Nanti--
Datang laa masa aku.

Ipoh trip

Dear blog,

today, I am left all alone at home for 2days and 1 night. 
Why you asked me? 

Mom and dad went on a trip to Ipoh with their elderly club. The transportation they are using is the new bullet train or so called the ETS. From Anak Bukit Station to Ipoh, they went.

And today, phone keeps buzzing due to incoming WhatsApp texts, haha. Mom and dad been posting pictures of them at the places they went, haha. I gotta tell ya', mommy and daddy look so cute and happy, just like newlyweds! Hahaha

Mom and dad in the ETS looking happy

I am so happy looking at mom and dad, travelling around with their friends. Making happy moments together, just the two of them. Without us, bugging around them, haha. 

I mean, they sacrificed a lot by raising the 4 of us up. All of their time, was spent on family. Not that I'm saying that is not a good thing, but seeing mom and dad together, just made my day. They look like they are in love, again and again and again.

Daddy and Mommy again, in front of the Kellie's Castle

I hope my future partner and I will be the same as mom and dad.
- doing great jobs raising the kids
- grow old together
- work hard to have enough money. Or perhaps, a lot of it, haha
- retired from our job at the same time 
- travelling just the two of us, leaving our kids, doing their things
- be forever in love  

the birthday gift

Casio gold with chronograph

Dear blog, 

last 19/10 was my birthday. It was simple, but it was perfect. Everything was the way I wanted it to be and I wouldn't changed it for anything. We had a simple dinner outside. Not a fancy one, but the dinner was only at a mamak stall. We ate nan cheese and tandoori chicken. It is so good.

But nahhh, that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about my birthday present.

I could definitely say, the gift I had this year was the best ever, yet. Hahaha. So what did I get? I got myself a watch *smiling from ear to ear*

A day before my birthday, the parents and I were eating some fritters when daddy asked what do I want for my birthday. I gotta tell ya' and I ain't no lie, when I said, I gotta think hard and long, haha. Seriously. After a long and hard thinking, I told my dad
"Daddy, there's nothing I want. I have everything I wanted."
Immediately, daddy replied me.
"Well, you don't have a watch. You want a watch?"
I snapped my finger and said "Oh yeah dad! I really didn't have a watch. I forgot I don't have a watch, haha."

So the deal is sealed. Last Thursday I went to the mall to check it out. And I found it. On Friday, I got the dream watch of my life. 

This is the best present ever--
because it was from my dad
because it came from his observation of me, when I didn't even know it.

Thank you daddy.
For watching me this much. 
I love you, daddy.
So much.

birthday

Dear blog, 

so last couple of days was my birthday. *19/10/2015*
And I am so happy.
Dad wanted to buy me a new watch, still, I haven't got the time to walk around the mall looking for the perfect watch for my beautiful hand, kekeke.

Being 25 years old, I suddenly realized I have lived for quite a long time. I am old. Haha
Was my life good enough? Have I done something to contribute to the society? What are the things I want to achieve in my life? 

Those are the question that I found hard to answer. I've been struggling all my life to find the answer. At 25 years old, have I found the answer yet?

The answer is NO.
I am still on my journey in finding the answer. Truth be told, I don't know if I ever get my answer.

But still, I am trying to change the world. Or atleast, I am trying to change people life, by making it better.

How did I do that you ask me? *smile*

To bring a change to someone life, you must first, change yourself. Educate yourself to be better, behave in a proper manner, smile often to stranger, pick up any trash you see laying down on the ground and put 'em back to where they belong, the dustbin of course.

See, these little small things, might not bring a change to other people's life. But, I mean, we never know aren't we? 

Sometime, its the little things that give big impact. So, do goo to other people.

And lastly, 
Happy 25th Birthday to me, Shahidah Mokhtar. 
You have lived a wonderful life, of course, there have been ups and down, but you faced it bravely, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. In future, I hope you continue to be brave, be able to smile and laugh a lot, obey the religion, obey your parents, read al-Quran everyday and do more positive things that can give out positive vibes to other people.

the post.

Dear blog,

last few days, I shared a post on my FB wall that cause a bit of a ruckus. Well, at least, to me.

There were some comments in support of what I thought, and I truly appreciate 'em. 
And then, there were those who weren't. 

To which I replied in my best manner and carefully written explanation, what I was talking about and what are the intention of posting that post. That is all. To my shocking, the commentor reply with a harsh and hurtful words. 

Yes, it was a shock. It hurt, so bad. Especially when it came from someone I know.

But, being a positive me, I stay calmed. I deleted all the negative comments. It's embarassing actually, seeing someone in that age wrote something so emotional like that. Even my friends been asking, who the heck is that? Yeah, in a way, she humiliates herself and I did her a favor by deleting her comments.

The most important thing to do, was to reflect on yourself, what did I do that had offended those people? Find the cause of it. And in my case, I can said that I pretty much figured out what are the reasons. My thought was perhaps the caption I wrote was a bit harsh. So, few days ago, I texted my friends, telling her that her caption on her picture with her husband was not appropriate. Perhaps, this is God way to teach me a lesson. So I know what are my mistakes, and I can improved on 'em. And maybe perhaps, it is also God way to not be so cocky when it comes to advising people, hehe. -.-"

In life, there are few kinds of people--
One who like you--
One who don't like you--
One who are sometimes, they like you. Sometimes, they don't.

But then again, why should I care?

I hated a person without a reason. 
And I still hate her. 
True story.

So the same thing happened to me. People get offended by what I wrote, by what I post. And why in the hell, should I care? It won't do me any good. Of course, I am hurt but will I be like that forever? Hell nah. 

I gotta reflect myself, find out what went wrong--
I gotta smile--
I gotta carry on.

Friendship break up.

Hi.

Ever heard the phrase "Friendship break up is worst than relation break up"? 
Yeah, well, I just've been through that kind of break up. Friendship break up.

What happened?

Small, little, playful comment on Facebook. Of course, I am the one doing the commenting. My friend got pissed off by what I said. She went totally freaked out, texting me on the 1st of Oct 2015 at 6.09 am. Wow, I remember the exact detail. Wish I remember my study notes like this, heh. 

Among the things she wrote that I remembered crystal clear was that she threaten to stay away from me. Those words will forever be engraved in my heart.

So, I replied her back saying that I am sorry, that was a joke and I promise I would never do that again. Stuff like that. As I expected, she didn't read the text. How did I knew that? Well, thanks to Facebook / Whatsapp awesome incredible programmer, there was a double tick, but not a blue tick. Blue tick means the person read our text. Of course, we should know that by now.

I was sorry. I knew that was my fault even though my intention was only to joke around. I forgot, people has their limits, and I break that limit. 

I keep texting sorry and sorry and sorry, over and over again. Yet, no reply. She didn't read the text.

It's actually tiring to keep apologizing, ya know? To add, memories of our fun time together kept coming back. All the tears, the happiness, the anger, the forgiveness, the smiles and laughter. And I can't help but wondering, how could she said that she was going to stay away from me after what we've been through together for almost 14years of friendship. I mean, I know I did wrong. But, was this worth it? 

So she didn't read nor reply all my texts, and bit by bit, my heart start to break.

Now you see, I had a problem with my communication and social skills. I don't know how to made friends or interact with other people. When I made new friends, they're not really a close friend to mine. My close friend need to earn the title close by trust and effort. I don't know why. I guess I am just like that. When one earn the title being close to me, there are times, I tend to cling on that person. Texting, hang out, smiles and laugh, be able to share secrets and problems with that person. And I am the kind of obsessive friend. I get jealous if my best friend is close to other people than me. That is why the reason, losing a best friend is so hard on me. Losing my best friend, means I don't have anyone else like that. 

I am the kind of person, when in possible situation of getting hurt, I end up hurting other person before I, myself get hurt. Let's just say I didn't really handle rejection or pain well. 

Now that this happened to me, what did I learn? What will I do in the future?

Will I made new friends?

I don't know. Perhaps. But I wouldn't really made an effort though. Woman are such a complicated human being and are so full of drama. If I had to chose, I would like to made new male friends. They are simple and open minded, less drama and most importantly, they don't do gossip. 

Will I have new best friend?

Definitely nope. My best slash close friends will remain as they are now. Enough is enough. 

Will we still be friend, my best friend and I?

Probably, she actually just texted me. Saying that later some time, she'll text me and that she was not in her best mood.

If we got back together, will things stay the same? Or better?

Definitely not. Now that things happened this way, I will never be able to do or feel the same. 

I know that she is sensitive, so I will limit my jokes and care for my words before I spit 'em out. 

I will hang out less with her, if it will be only the two of us. If it involves lots of people, then it's okay. 

Why? 

Cause I'll be able to interact with someone else other than only her. 

I will not text and call her regularly. 

I will not comment on any of her post, picture and stuff in Facebook.

You probably will think, why the hell am I doing this after days of texting asking for apologies.

Well, just because I want to stop clinging to someone. I want to stop being depending on other people so much. God forbid, but if this happen again in the future, then I will not be so sad thinking about someone all the time, trying so hard to not let tears fall down my cheek. 

I ask her apologies cause I want to keep our 14years of friendship.

But to be back as before? Nope. I gotta take care of my heart first. I simply don't want to get hurt.

And yes, I take my friendship damn serious. 

Haze.

Haze has been around in the air of Malaysia, Singapore and Brunie for couple a days now. 
Probably been a week? 
Didn't count the days.
Not that I really care actually, but when it is becoming worst, I just can't stand it anymore.
Current IPU (some term they use to mark the danger level of air pollution) at my place was around 160 last time I checked. Which was around just 2 hours ago actually.
Anyway, good job irresponsible people of Indonesia.

We thanked you for the clean air for 11 months you've been providing us and 1 hell of a month with deadly haze. 

Intern

It has been 3 months since the last post in this blog.
Lots have been happening.
 - Eid
 - Went to UiTM Shah Alam for World Software Testing Programme training
 - Got sick, been in and out of the clinic
 - Went back home by flight
 - Was not well again in Kedah
 - Got admitted into the hospital for 5 days
 - Was discharged
 - Admitted into a private hospital and had a surgery
 - Week ago, went to short vacay with family

I'm gonna write about my illness in the next post, insya Allah but, Alhamdulillah, I am all well now. Healthy as a horse and happy as a kid.
Happy? Not that happy, but still, delighted to just be alive.

So, INTERN.

My first plan was to perform my intern at KL. Heck, I even got an offer from an awesome company in Cheras. They are doing web development and Android as their core business, something I would love to learn, especially Android. But, due to my illness, mom been advising me to do my intern at Kedah, so she can take care of me, and it will be a lot easier just in case I got sick again.

I didn't like the idea. But then, I am dead sick at that time, haha. So I agreed. Plus, I won't be getting any money from PTPTN this semester as my contract already ended last semester. So, it would save a lot if I stay in Kedah.

And so, my intern has started in IPG Kedah Darul Aman, Jitra. By the time I wrote this post, it has been 3 days I started working here. Checking in on 29/09/2015 and will be checking out on 28/02/2016. 6 months.

Is thing good here? I don't know. I've just been here for 3 days, got my first assignment on the very first day. That assignment should be finished by today, but I was so stuck in the coding. It's a really simple coding, but heck, how long since I last touched coding? Yeah, around 6 to 7 months ago. I really need to refresh my brain. I learned how to change the cable for the projector in the computer lab. Umm, yeah, so that's quite a new thing for me.

And while I am writing this, the Chinese intern boy next to me, is literally doing an exercise. Boy next to him? Sleeping. The other 2 intern girls? Went out for food. Me? Using the company wifi for personal thing. Such a badass. 

Hope things gonna do great for my intern.
And oh, I miss my friends. 
I miss Mahallah Ruqayyah's shawarma.
I miss them a lot. 

Kahwin. Kawen. Marriage.

Setelah sekian lama menyepi, aku datang lagi, muahahaha.

Itu hari, email been having few probs. Due to faulty laptop actually. BIOS battery kinda messed up. I don't even know if you people will understand if I talk about it, so let's that be that.

So, 2015 already. And it is June now. Quite a few months it have been.

Both personal, social and academically.

But then, my topic is about marriage. Wedding.

One thing that is sure, definitely not about me. Hahaha... *gelak yang terus diam

So few days back, I received FB invitation. To a wedding. 

Seeing the person who invited me, my heart skip a beat.

Yeay, the girl I've known for quite a while is getting married to my ex-boyfriend. 

Truth to be told, I was a bit upset. But then, I manage to gather myself and be sincerely happy about it.

What people say? They have a long fate seeing that they are still together after all this time. *jodoh panjang

We chatted through FB where we talked about our past time. She said that she was sorry and so did I.

Well, we had quite a ruckus back then.

Kay, enough about her. Now let's talk about the man.

The reason I'm posting here is because I personally feel that things between us were still not done yet.

We had a really bad, terrible, horrible relation after we broke up.

We actually become friends after we broke up but then, something happened. We fought real bad. 

Words coming out, terrible horrible words.

Things gone pretty bad since then. And since then, we never keep in touch with each other.

Years passed. Both of us become an adult. I realized what I did was wrong. I did try to contact him few times using FB message, saying that I am and was sorry for what I did. But I never got a reply.

And that's the thing that have been bothering me for this while. 

Not be able to receive forgiveness.

Not be able to explain.

Not be able to discuss things and work things out among us, even as a friend.

Those things were left behind. It keeps hanging somewhere around us.

I don't even know what have we become now.

Long lost friend?

A great enemy?

After I am done writing this, all my guilt were written in this post. I think I am able to finally, move on.

So, here we go.

YN, even we had a really bad times among the two of us, you remained as a good memory to me. Long time have I forgiven you and forget the bad things that happen to us.

What I remembered is your smile. 

How you used to console me every time I had problems.

How each time when we fight as a couple, you will gave me advises. 

"Always look back at the good memories between us, memories that will made you smile."

Those are what you said to me, and trust me, I am still holding on to that.

So yes, you are a good, sweet memories of mine. 

I will always cherish you and the memories we had.

And I will always remember your advises on love, study and life. That was kinda useful and practical actually, hahaha.

I thanked you, for all the memory.

And I really wish for you to be happy. 

I just hope, when we will cross path someday, we will be able to look at each other face and smile, as a friend. 

Truth to be told, you really are, a good friend.

Happy marriage YN. 

-SM-