Friendship break up.

Hi.

Ever heard the phrase "Friendship break up is worst than relation break up"? 
Yeah, well, I just've been through that kind of break up. Friendship break up.

What happened?

Small, little, playful comment on Facebook. Of course, I am the one doing the commenting. My friend got pissed off by what I said. She went totally freaked out, texting me on the 1st of Oct 2015 at 6.09 am. Wow, I remember the exact detail. Wish I remember my study notes like this, heh. 

Among the things she wrote that I remembered crystal clear was that she threaten to stay away from me. Those words will forever be engraved in my heart.

So, I replied her back saying that I am sorry, that was a joke and I promise I would never do that again. Stuff like that. As I expected, she didn't read the text. How did I knew that? Well, thanks to Facebook / Whatsapp awesome incredible programmer, there was a double tick, but not a blue tick. Blue tick means the person read our text. Of course, we should know that by now.

I was sorry. I knew that was my fault even though my intention was only to joke around. I forgot, people has their limits, and I break that limit. 

I keep texting sorry and sorry and sorry, over and over again. Yet, no reply. She didn't read the text.

It's actually tiring to keep apologizing, ya know? To add, memories of our fun time together kept coming back. All the tears, the happiness, the anger, the forgiveness, the smiles and laughter. And I can't help but wondering, how could she said that she was going to stay away from me after what we've been through together for almost 14years of friendship. I mean, I know I did wrong. But, was this worth it? 

So she didn't read nor reply all my texts, and bit by bit, my heart start to break.

Now you see, I had a problem with my communication and social skills. I don't know how to made friends or interact with other people. When I made new friends, they're not really a close friend to mine. My close friend need to earn the title close by trust and effort. I don't know why. I guess I am just like that. When one earn the title being close to me, there are times, I tend to cling on that person. Texting, hang out, smiles and laugh, be able to share secrets and problems with that person. And I am the kind of obsessive friend. I get jealous if my best friend is close to other people than me. That is why the reason, losing a best friend is so hard on me. Losing my best friend, means I don't have anyone else like that. 

I am the kind of person, when in possible situation of getting hurt, I end up hurting other person before I, myself get hurt. Let's just say I didn't really handle rejection or pain well. 

Now that this happened to me, what did I learn? What will I do in the future?

Will I made new friends?

I don't know. Perhaps. But I wouldn't really made an effort though. Woman are such a complicated human being and are so full of drama. If I had to chose, I would like to made new male friends. They are simple and open minded, less drama and most importantly, they don't do gossip. 

Will I have new best friend?

Definitely nope. My best slash close friends will remain as they are now. Enough is enough. 

Will we still be friend, my best friend and I?

Probably, she actually just texted me. Saying that later some time, she'll text me and that she was not in her best mood.

If we got back together, will things stay the same? Or better?

Definitely not. Now that things happened this way, I will never be able to do or feel the same. 

I know that she is sensitive, so I will limit my jokes and care for my words before I spit 'em out. 

I will hang out less with her, if it will be only the two of us. If it involves lots of people, then it's okay. 

Why? 

Cause I'll be able to interact with someone else other than only her. 

I will not text and call her regularly. 

I will not comment on any of her post, picture and stuff in Facebook.

You probably will think, why the hell am I doing this after days of texting asking for apologies.

Well, just because I want to stop clinging to someone. I want to stop being depending on other people so much. God forbid, but if this happen again in the future, then I will not be so sad thinking about someone all the time, trying so hard to not let tears fall down my cheek. 

I ask her apologies cause I want to keep our 14years of friendship.

But to be back as before? Nope. I gotta take care of my heart first. I simply don't want to get hurt.

And yes, I take my friendship damn serious.